I wake up early. 430 am. I have to wake up this early for my job. I enjoy it. Getting up early has always been a goal of mine. Except in the morning when I wake up. Then my goal is to go back to sleep. So being forced out of bed gives my job more value.
Work does not start until 6:00 am. When I arrive I usually make coffee and breakfast. Sometimes I take a nap after. It’s an easy job. It gives me a lot of time to think.
Today my focus is on my relationship. We will call her Penelope (bonus points if you figure out why). It’s a little bit of a roller coaster ride, my psychopathy can be a slight obstacle, but I think she may have some issues as well and my lack of emotional response seems to make it incredibly difficult for me to discern between her being at fault logically, my being at fault due to lack of an emotional perspective or whatever other possibilities may exist. I see her actions and tend to know the why’s behind them, despite her belief of the contrary, but I cannot remove the possibility of my analyzations being based in a defense mechanism such as narcissism.
So I’ve decided to attempt a shift in focus from my relationship to my financial situation because of this. If the relationship fail, financial stability will be required.
I do not know if this shift in focus is possible though. My understanding of psychopathy means to accomplish a truly sustainable shift focus, I would need to be primary rather then secondary.
The difficulty in maintaining a primary mindset lies with both impulsiveness and boredom. The boredom excaberates the impulsiveness. Not acting on immediate anger due to the detrimental affect it has upon long term goals can be difficult.
Like Paul. You may ask “who is Paul?”. Well Paul is a TA at the University where I work. I just cleaned his office. Paul is young and physically attractive. He is also short, dishonest and manipulative. Paul pretends to be nice to girls to get them to let down their guard.
I want to remove Paul.
Multiple ideas float through my head. I could plant things on his computer, found out who his family is and get at him through them, find out any allergies he has and play with those.. the list goes on. Those however cannot be acted upon.. I will not burn the neighbors flag.. (more bonus points!).
If I was single I would just find out what his female relations are and fuck them. Wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter. It really doesn’t matter. I am not single however, despite my occasional lapse in memory. It can be really hard not to burn the flag… while I have never lit it aflame, I have doused it in a kerosene and held the lighter close enough that all it would take would be a flick of the thumb, but I’ve yet to flick my thumb.
I came close yesterday. While at the gym I saw a girl I had not seen before. She was attractive and had an amazing body. I could tell she was not wearing a bra and it was hard not to focus on her. Even without looking at her I was very aware of her presence.
She was also working out with her boyfriend. The boyfriend was effeminate to the point of whining about blemishes on his skin. He was clearly a model. Being one myself I understood what he was talking about but thankfully my look is rugged where as he was pretty so that’s not something I have to deal with. It also implied his girlfriend could use a good fuck. So when he went to get water I asked her if he was her boyfriend. She said yes. So I smiled and asked her to meet me in the bathroom upstairs (the bathroom upstairs where I workout is unisex). She replied with “what?” and was clearly taken aback. The boyfriend turned around and we both pretended like nothing happened. And nothing did happen, but she never told her boyfriend (or at least there was no indication of this) kept staring at me after, and based on how much she started playing with her leggings, all it would of taken was a good look from myself before heading off to the bathroom and she probably would have followed.
I’ve set multiple flags up for burning. I feel like going primary would mean lighting the fires. Burning everything, including myself so as to eliminate the possibility of returning to this form.
I think that may be why primaries torture and kill small animals and what not while children. It’s a reinforcing of the black and white perspective associated with psychopathy. It would grant the freedom to act based on previous behaviors. Essentially I am this therefore I do that regardless of potential feeling.
The question is, can a secondary force this change in order to aquire the sustainability granted to the sub-clinical primaries and can it be done without committing irreversible acts but rather through choice and understanding?