June 12th (posted June 14th)

June 12th

….I’m at my girlfriends house.  There is a party today to celebrate her graduation. Her mother is insane. Her mother’s sister, the aunt, is also here. The aunt is also insane. They are driving me insane. The level of passivity regarding aggression.. the father keeps moving around to do things in areas of the house that remain empty of people. I don’t know how to relay the conversation.. it’s trivial and done solely to attain validation, which neither gives. Each retort is instead another request to be validated. Pure insanity. What if Penelope turns out like her mother.  I hate her mother.

This is hell. I don’t want to be with her but I want to talk with someone about it and she’s all I have..  hate her so much.. my head hurts.  I need a standing connection.. it can’t be her but who else?
Her cousin lost weight. I want to fuck her. I can see it happening serendipitously at some point in the future. The cousin is working out three times a week. My girlfriend used to workout. She does not anymore. I do.. a lot. Penelope is not in good shape.  There are so many reasons I do not want to be with her and only one to be with her. Even if what she offers isn’t real I can’t see myself existing without it. I need her. I have to free myself of her.

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June 9th

I hate quite a few things. Today the feeling is stronger then it has been in the past. It feels clearer, more easily directed then the useless rage I generally feel.

I know what caused it. I’ve accepted the impossibility of my relationship with my girlfriend. She has tried to break up before. I don’t know how real those attempts were but it was me who argued for the relationship.

There have been many problems, much bigger then the current issue, but the potential consequences of her reasoning for her indiscretion is unacceptable. “I slipped up and chose to have a moment of fun instead of doing what you’d want me to do. Boring”.

It is the boring at the end that causes me problems. She is not bored.  She’s insecure cause she grew up fat and needs to be validated.

My first reflex was to shut her out while subconsciously analyzing the situation.

I seemed to have been focusing on trying to figure out if her reasoning was fallible or not. The conclusion drawn? Due to her insecurities and lack of self respect, it is not within her capabilities to maintain a monogamous relationship. This is above her and therefore must be belittled to reduce the significance of failure on her point. This whilst demanding monogamy on the part of her mate. Again due to insecurity and envy.

Response on my part? Use anger to fuel plans for using her until acceptable mate or situation is found. Only difficulty will be supressing my impulsiveness to maintain sustainability.

Ironically this requires behaving in a way she demands. Meaning she will think things are getting better, until ideally, I can outright replace her with someone possessing more self respect.

As long as I can refrain from giving in to my anger, and ripping her apart verbally by relaying to her the cause and motivations behind her actions. If I can maintain that mentality, I should be able to achieve my goals.

The anger will also be useful in solidyfing my financial situation allowing for more opportunities to find “her”.

Respect Defined.

Understanding respect is the key to psychopathy. Respect in itself is reciprocal. If not reciprocated it can only exist in the form of either oppression by the dominant or accommodation for the non-dominant.

Respect is understanding. Respect is understanding what others are capable of and not giving them reason to exercise those capabilities, rather then demanding they do not without supplying a reason. Respect is understanding another’s perspective and acknowledging the why that motivates their actions.

This is VERY important for one simple reason. Logic.  Logically, the psychopath has no reason to respect anyone’s emotions or feelings unless the reasoning behind their action is taken into account. This frees the psychopath to commit ANY action that the situation calls for, simply because your lack of acknowledgment concerning the motivations of said psychopath, allows for dismissal of your feelings.

In essence, your lack of respect concerning psychopathy while demanding we do not exercise our full range of capabilities due to your “feelings” without any reciprocation is 100% illogical and justifies the psychopath to act as he or she sees fit.

This is also partially due to a lack of understanding concerning society, which I will not get into here outside of stating that society is in actuality, an agreement to put aside the individual goal of self preservation to work towards collective progress, meaning we currently do not live within an actual society but rather we live within a dictatorship.

Jesse

May 30th

May 30th

I wake up early. 430 am. I have to wake up this early for my job. I enjoy it. Getting up early has always been a goal of mine. Except in the morning when I wake up. Then my goal is to go back to sleep. So being forced out of bed gives my job more value.

Work does not start until 6:00 am. When I arrive I usually make coffee and breakfast. Sometimes I take a nap after. It’s an easy job. It gives me a lot of time to think.

Today my focus is on my relationship. We will call her Penelope (bonus points if you figure out why). It’s a little bit of a roller coaster ride, my psychopathy can be a slight obstacle, but I think she may have some issues as well and my lack of emotional response seems to make it incredibly difficult for me to discern between her being at fault logically, my being at fault due to lack of an emotional perspective or whatever other possibilities may exist. I see her actions and tend to know the why’s behind them, despite her belief of the contrary, but I cannot remove the possibility of my analyzations being based in a defense mechanism such as narcissism.

So I’ve decided to attempt a shift in focus from my relationship to my financial situation  because of this. If the relationship fail, financial stability will be required.

I do not know if this shift in focus is possible though. My understanding of psychopathy means to accomplish a truly sustainable shift focus, I would need to be primary rather then secondary.

The difficulty in maintaining a primary mindset lies with both impulsiveness and boredom. The boredom excaberates the impulsiveness. Not acting on immediate anger due to the detrimental affect it has upon long term goals can be difficult.

Like Paul. You may ask “who is Paul?”. Well Paul is a TA at the University where I work. I just cleaned his office. Paul is young and physically attractive. He is also short, dishonest and manipulative. Paul pretends to be nice to girls to get them to let down their guard.

I want to remove Paul.

Multiple ideas float through my head. I could plant things on his computer, found out who his family is and get at him through them, find out any allergies he has and play with those.. the list goes on. Those however cannot be acted upon.. I will not burn the neighbors flag.. (more bonus points!).

If I was single I would just find out what his female relations are and fuck them. Wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter. It really doesn’t matter. I am not single however, despite my occasional lapse in memory. It can be really hard not to burn the flag… while I have never lit it aflame, I have doused it in a kerosene and held the lighter close enough that all it would take would be a flick of the thumb, but I’ve yet to flick my thumb.

I came close yesterday. While at the gym I saw  a girl I had not seen before. She was attractive and had an amazing body. I could tell she was not wearing a bra and it was hard not to focus on her. Even without looking at her I was very aware of her presence.

She was also working out with her boyfriend. The  boyfriend was effeminate to the point of whining about blemishes on his skin. He was clearly a model. Being one myself I understood what he was talking about but thankfully my look is rugged where as he was pretty so that’s not something I have to deal with. It also implied his girlfriend could use a good fuck. So when he went to get water I asked her if he was her boyfriend. She said yes. So I smiled and asked her to meet me in the bathroom upstairs (the bathroom upstairs where I workout is unisex). She replied with “what?” and was clearly taken aback. The boyfriend turned around and we both pretended like nothing happened. And nothing did happen, but she never told her boyfriend (or at least there was no indication of this) kept staring at me after, and based on how much she started playing with her leggings, all it would of taken was a good look from myself before heading off to the bathroom and she probably would have followed.

I’ve set multiple flags up for burning. I feel like going primary would mean lighting the fires. Burning everything, including myself so as to eliminate the possibility of returning to this form.

I think that may be why primaries torture and kill small animals and what not while children. It’s a reinforcing of the black and white perspective associated with psychopathy. It would grant the freedom to act based on previous behaviors. Essentially I am this therefore I do that regardless of potential feeling.

The question is, can a secondary force this change in order to aquire the sustainability granted to the sub-clinical primaries and can it be done without committing irreversible acts but rather through choice and understanding?

Jesse

May 27th, Why I’m Writing.

May 27th, Why I’m Writing.

I am a janitor. At a university. I’ve been many things; A painter, garbage man, pizza delivery boy, artist, model, fry cook, extra, telemarketer, demolition man, student, volunteer.. there are more but I think you get the point.

I’ve also never been fired, well at least not with choosing to allow the firing anyways. I may have gotten into a fight with a floor installer while working for the last painting company that employed me. The thing is, is that I had already enrolled in school and was quitting the next month anyways.  So without any real consequences to avoid, I gave in to the feeling of boredom and jumped at the opportunity for full participation (sex, fighting, and sport allow for full participation).

Oh that’s right. I am also a psychopath. Basically this means my emotions are not strong enough to dictate my actions and I can even “choose” not to “feel” them. Contrary to popular belief, all psychopaths DO have emotions as well as feel empathy. They are simply able to “throw” a switch that essentially weakens the emotions to a point of irrelevance. Oddly enough this is done by focusing on the sensation rather then ignoring it.

Anyways, the point of this blog is to both explore as well as limit my psychopathy, by removing the mask, so I can share with you, he who I hide from everyone else.

Also my girlfriend is getting slightly overwhelmed by what goes on in my head, so I have to choose between shutting her out for failing to serve her purpose or find an outlet that’ll lessen the load for her, while not negatively affecting our relationship, which I value quite highly.

So here I shall share the rants and thought processes, which elsewhere would lead to my isolation, and that are caused by my attempt to understand, you incredibly confusing “Empaths”, for lack of a better term (I use the term Empath to refer to non-psychopathic individuals).

Jesse