I didnt write yesterday. No particular reason.
I am beginning to view this 65 day thing a little differently. At first it was like “this is gonna fucking suck”. That seems to have morphed into some form of complacency. Did I mention when she initiated the 65 day no contact period, that she phoned me to say goodbye in person?
I told her I couldn’t say goodbye. It felt like having to jump from a cliff or a plane or something. That was through text. She responded by phoning, saying that she thought it would make it easier. If I remember correctly it made it worse. Much worse. She ended up using some form of “until we speak again” rather then goodbye. At the time, I loved her for that. She had freed me from having to jump from zee plane.
However I appear to have been mistaken. Now it feels like I did jump, and like once I jumped, I could not get back to where I jumped from. What I mean is that when I picture her now, its not like it was before. I can now swap her out with a few of the other women I have been seeing. At least mentally. There no longer seems to be a feeling of her offering something special.
I dont know what brought this on. I did get caught up on the fact that she fucked someone else. This was yesterday. Not the fucking. Just my focusing upon it mentally. I think maybe agreeing to the 65 day thing allowed me to accept the breakup as having occurred, this acceptance being enabled by having proactively taken a step towards alleviating the negative associated with the situation. Perhaps the shock caused by the end of the relationship receded and was replaced with the realization that she fucked someone else. Shes not mine. Not anymore. She said this herself, in those words.. “I’m not yours anymore”. Maybe a part of me heard her and accepted it.
It doesnt matter anymore anyways. I dont think I could connect with her again if we were together. I dont think I could have sex with her either..especially without abstaining for awhile first. Its an odd feeling. Especially not knowing if it is temporary or not. I feel as if I no longer want to be with here though. Like I kinda wished the 60 days were over tomorrow and I could get over waiting for her to disappoint me, only to return the favor on the 65th day.
I know I am angry. At myself. At her. At him. I think she may have broke something that cant be fixed. We’ll see I guess.
On a side note, it is becoming much more enjoyable spending time with Dee. The sex is just amazing. Typically, after I finish, I get angry for a few seconds. Not with Dee. Not lately anyways. I definitely desire her body more then my exes. It feels much better to be inside Dee then my ex. Id still prefer to hug my ex though. Or at least yesterday I would have. Today I am trying not to think about it. Ive found my mind creeping towards potential futures with Dee though. My feelings will probably change tomorrow. Writing this though has made me ridiculously tired. Nap time. Who else wakes up grouchy after a nap but cant help but take them? I am guessing everybody. Lets finish on an appreciative note though, just imagine how many people have lived and died never getting to experience anything as awesome as getting baked, watching any kind of porn you can think of while masturbating, eating one last slice of pizza and passing out? Royalty from like two decades ago didn’t get to experience that kind of luxury. Now its a daily activity for welfare class citizens. All hail progression.