Today I want to talk about the movie “Shutter Island”, Jack fish (the freshwater fish), and of course periods, which have a tendency to popup when not wanted (this is where the women mentally respond with “periods are never wanted).

This last point (periods) will be where we begin, because it ties everything together quite nicely.

My girlfriend Penelope, and I had planned a camping trip for June 17-19th about a month ago. We were looking forward to fishing and bonfires and all that other great camping stuff. I actually enjoy fishing. No clue why. Theoretically I should get bored. I enjoy being in nature in general, think it has something to do with the added sense of autonomy.

Anyways, we planned everything, got the shopping done early and decided to pack the night before the day of departure so as to avoid rushing day of.

Packing day comes and Penelope tells me “no babies”. I ask “what?”. To which she responds with “I’m not pregnant” to which I reply “I know” with a confused look on my face. Finally she says something I understand (and fear).

“I’m bleeding”.

I assume Penelope was again able to read the look on my face because she said “Don’t worry, the week before the bleeding is when hormones are all out of whack and I get irritable, the bleeding means that parts over”.

I say OK, still skeptical and we proceed to pack for the trip. Next day we get ready to leave (3 hours late…and yes I was ready to go on time), get in the car, start driving, and then it started.

Her: Your speeding.
Me: I’m doing 10 over, it’s a three hour drive and we are late.
Her: That’s still speeding, I’m not gonna let you drive if you don’t slow down.

So I slow down and start driving in a manner that cannot be criticized. Then she realized she had forgotten her wine, period underwear, and Midol (I went 3 years without knowing they have pills for irritability when pmsing…3 years). So we go to Walmart and then the liquor mart. Now 4 hours late we head out. Or tried too.

Instead of heading out we got into an argument. It got to the point where she was screaming and hitting me and crying all while I got more and more frustrated. Now she is not a physical threat whatsoever.  I cannot do anything physical in response, even though she managed to draw blood with her nails. She hurt her wrists more hitting me then she hurt me.

After she calmed down and I had learned to NEVER EVER put wine bottles on their side, we continued on with our trip and had a decent time outside the occasional argument.

We even caught quite a few fish, which brings me to my second point, the Jack fish.

Penelope caught it. She was casting with a deep diver and reeled him in. The thing was, he had the lure pretty deep in his throat. I grabbed the pliers and the fish and started trying to remove the lure, knowing Penelope will never let me throw him back with the lure stuck in his mouth. She was already whining about hurting him (yes the fish) by keeping him out of the water for so long (if you have an idea as to how I was supposed to remove the lure while keeping him in the water I’m all ears). I also had to pee, which did not help the situation at all. Frustrated I ripped the lure out and threw the fish back in the lake.

Penelope did not want to use the deep diver anymore because of how much harder it had been to remove compared to the jig she had switched over from. I did not understand. Fish swallow lures. I tried to understand why. It involved exploring everything that had happened mentally.

I pictured it. The jackfish had struggled at first. I got angry. Penelope had started to complain and I had to pee. I could see the hook caught in the fish’s flesh and how it was hooked. I couldn’t focus hard enough to grab it and apply pressure in the direction needed.  Penelope kept whining about the fish suffering. I got mad and ripped the lure out in one motion not knowing what to do to handle everything being thrown at me.

This is where I reach a problem in understanding my thoughts.  I want to correct this. I could not control the situation and caused undesired consequence. I want to correct having torn the inside of the fishes mouth. It was unnecessary. I probably could have removed the lure causing much less damage had I been patient. I don’t know if that is guilt.

If it is, guilt I mean, then I can shut it off by shifting my focus. I can turn the feeling (if that is what it is) off. Which brings me to Shutter Island.

SPOILERS

In actuality this really only pertains to the ending of Shutter Island. The thing about the guilt is that it is not a unique occurrence. I can “choose” to shift my focus from one logical point to another in order to deny the compulsions motivated by feeling. Situation and consequence typical outweigh feeling. If I had to kill someone for instance, shifting focus to the why, would allow me to commit the deed regardless of the feelings involved.
I’m able to do anything with this mental trick.

Or so I thought.

Shutter Island is a solid movie. The main character is an agent for I believe the FBI, and is looking for a murderer upon an island for mental patients. The murderer is also an escaped patient. This is circa 1950.

At the end of the movie you find out the protagonist himself is actually a patient on the island and everything that has happened has been part of a very complicated attempt at therapy. This is meant to bring the character back to reality which he has dissociated from.

The reason for the dissociation is having had to repress the memory of his (protagonist’s) wife drowning their three children which she did to end their (the childrens) “suffering”.

The protagonist has buried this reality deep. He has shifted his focus to the problem at hand, which is the murderer loose on the island. This allows him to deny the reality of his suffering.

This is similar to my mental process which allows me to act deviantly. Instead of pain I use logic to allow the shift in focus but the concept is the same.

What else is the same?

Well apparently the protagonist and I have the same limit we can not cross. Or possibly choose not to.

See the protagonist refuses to believe he himself is a patient. He believes the Dr’s are actually nazi war criminals running experiments on the patients.

As a last resort to bring the protagonist back to reality a Dr. tries to tell the protagonist what really happened but the protagonist refuses to believe him. That is until the Dr. holds up a picture and tells the protoganist that if the conspiracy is true, the protoganist’s daughter never existed. The Dr. asks the protoganist if he can say the daughter never existed and the protagonist breaks and comes back to reality.

When the Dr. asks the protagonist if he can deny his daughter having existed I don’t have to wait for the actor to deliver the line. I know he can’t. It fills me with rage, the desire to kill the Dr. followed by a feeling of extreme exhaustion and desire to sleep. I could not deny my daughter having existed.  It’s an unfathomable reality, and I don’t even have children!

So that is my limit. That is were the line allowing me to act is drawn. I could force myself past it but then I wouldn’t be me so technically, “I” could not do it.

That is also how periods, Jack fish, and Shutter Island are related.

What may or may not be related is the dream I had Saturday morning.

In the dream I was offered an exchange. I could have something from the past altered at cost to myself. I can’t remember the cost or the change made. The change was to take affect upon waking. When I awoke (within the dream) I was shown the status of my exchange on a machine resembling an ATM. The exchange had been successfully completed. However the cost was more then I had agreed to. It had cost me something I was not willing to give up but could not identify. I ran around desperately trying to figure out what it was the exchange had cost me, but I could not. Then I woke up.

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