June 12th (posted June 14th)

June 12th

….I’m at my girlfriends house.  There is a party today to celebrate her graduation. Her mother is insane. Her mother’s sister, the aunt, is also here. The aunt is also insane. They are driving me insane. The level of passivity regarding aggression.. the father keeps moving around to do things in areas of the house that remain empty of people. I don’t know how to relay the conversation.. it’s trivial and done solely to attain validation, which neither gives. Each retort is instead another request to be validated. Pure insanity. What if Penelope turns out like her mother.  I hate her mother.

This is hell. I don’t want to be with her but I want to talk with someone about it and she’s all I have..  hate her so much.. my head hurts.  I need a standing connection.. it can’t be her but who else?
Her cousin lost weight. I want to fuck her. I can see it happening serendipitously at some point in the future. The cousin is working out three times a week. My girlfriend used to workout. She does not anymore. I do.. a lot. Penelope is not in good shape.  There are so many reasons I do not want to be with her and only one to be with her. Even if what she offers isn’t real I can’t see myself existing without it. I need her. I have to free myself of her.

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