June 9th

I hate quite a few things. Today the feeling is stronger then it has been in the past. It feels clearer, more easily directed then the useless rage I generally feel.

I know what caused it. I’ve accepted the impossibility of my relationship with my girlfriend. She has tried to break up before. I don’t know how real those attempts were but it was me who argued for the relationship.

There have been many problems, much bigger then the current issue, but the potential consequences of her reasoning for her indiscretion is unacceptable. “I slipped up and chose to have a moment of fun instead of doing what you’d want me to do. Boring”.

It is the boring at the end that causes me problems. She is not bored.  She’s insecure cause she grew up fat and needs to be validated.

My first reflex was to shut her out while subconsciously analyzing the situation.

I seemed to have been focusing on trying to figure out if her reasoning was fallible or not. The conclusion drawn? Due to her insecurities and lack of self respect, it is not within her capabilities to maintain a monogamous relationship. This is above her and therefore must be belittled to reduce the significance of failure on her point. This whilst demanding monogamy on the part of her mate. Again due to insecurity and envy.

Response on my part? Use anger to fuel plans for using her until acceptable mate or situation is found. Only difficulty will be supressing my impulsiveness to maintain sustainability.

Ironically this requires behaving in a way she demands. Meaning she will think things are getting better, until ideally, I can outright replace her with someone possessing more self respect.

As long as I can refrain from giving in to my anger, and ripping her apart verbally by relaying to her the cause and motivations behind her actions. If I can maintain that mentality, I should be able to achieve my goals.

The anger will also be useful in solidyfing my financial situation allowing for more opportunities to find “her”.

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7 thoughts on “June 9th

  1. You’ve made your thoughts clear here, so I think I know where you’re coming from, but since your girlfriend is, as you put it, an empathy, this…well, it’s the wrong thing to do. Obviously it’s up to you, but if you want any advice from the advice of a non-psychopathic female, please feel free to ask. If you continue with your plan, you’ll probably end up damaging her farther, and I know you won’t have anything to do with her down the road, but you could at least stop that.

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    1. I am aware what I am doing is wrong based on the empaths perspective. However she chooses to hurt me to force an end to the relationship, which is fine. I’ve told her many times I do not let myself pick prey unless the prey dares me to chase. She chose to play, she’s narcissistic enough to believe she’s in control. I won’t do anything until her replacement has been found so this may never come to fruition, but barring unprompted (by me) change on her part, I don’t see a way for it to work out.

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      1. Here’s my question: why are you maintaining the relationship until you find someone else? No matter what her behavior is, that’s you, using her when you don’t have to. You /could/ just end it.

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      2. She’s all I have. My only connection to reality. She made me feel safe to be me and then takes that away at will based on her feelings (I wish you could hear the level of disgust/frustration/hatred iterated when feelings is said). I also can’t replace her if I’m depressed and isolated. If I’m coming from a place of relative safety it’s easier to present myself as a desirable mate. Stating she cheated and is not who I want to marry seems to remove any negative stigma from my actions. It’s the safest course of action if alone.

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      3. I’m genuinely sorry you’re going through this. I’m confused on one point, though – you say ‘stating she cheated…seems to remove any negative stigma from my actions.’ So you want to preserve that negative stigma and use it when you end your relationship with her?

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      4. Oh no I meant it removes any negative stigma associated with myself for hunting while still in a relationship. And don’t be too sorry. As a psychopath making it seem like I’m legitly not at fault is a real skill. Even in my own mind I’m never at fault. Hence this blog. Need perspectives/ideas I’ve not contemplated.

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