I hate quite a few things. Today the feeling is stronger then it has been in the past. It feels clearer, more easily directed then the useless rage I generally feel.
I know what caused it. I’ve accepted the impossibility of my relationship with my girlfriend. She has tried to break up before. I don’t know how real those attempts were but it was me who argued for the relationship.
There have been many problems, much bigger then the current issue, but the potential consequences of her reasoning for her indiscretion is unacceptable. “I slipped up and chose to have a moment of fun instead of doing what you’d want me to do. Boring”.
It is the boring at the end that causes me problems. She is not bored. She’s insecure cause she grew up fat and needs to be validated.
My first reflex was to shut her out while subconsciously analyzing the situation.
I seemed to have been focusing on trying to figure out if her reasoning was fallible or not. The conclusion drawn? Due to her insecurities and lack of self respect, it is not within her capabilities to maintain a monogamous relationship. This is above her and therefore must be belittled to reduce the significance of failure on her point. This whilst demanding monogamy on the part of her mate. Again due to insecurity and envy.
Response on my part? Use anger to fuel plans for using her until acceptable mate or situation is found. Only difficulty will be supressing my impulsiveness to maintain sustainability.
Ironically this requires behaving in a way she demands. Meaning she will think things are getting better, until ideally, I can outright replace her with someone possessing more self respect.
As long as I can refrain from giving in to my anger, and ripping her apart verbally by relaying to her the cause and motivations behind her actions. If I can maintain that mentality, I should be able to achieve my goals.
The anger will also be useful in solidyfing my financial situation allowing for more opportunities to find “her”.