I am a janitor. At a university. I’ve been many things; A painter, garbage man, pizza delivery boy, artist, model, fry cook, extra, telemarketer, demolition man, student, volunteer.. there are more but I think you get the point.

I’ve also never been fired, well at least not with choosing to allow the firing anyways. I may have gotten into a fight with a floor installer while working for the last painting company that employed me. The thing is, is that I had already enrolled in school and was quitting the next month anyways.  So without any real consequences to avoid, I gave in to the feeling of boredom and jumped at the opportunity for full participation (sex, fighting, and sport allow for full participation).

Oh that’s right. I am also a psychopath. Basically this means my emotions are not strong enough to dictate my actions and I can even “choose” not to “feel” them. Contrary to popular belief, all psychopaths DO have emotions as well as feel empathy. They are simply able to “throw” a switch that essentially weakens the emotions to a point of irrelevance. Oddly enough this is done by focusing on the sensation rather then ignoring it.

Anyways, the point of this blog is to both explore as well as limit my psychopathy, by removing the mask, so I can share with you, he who I hide from everyone else.

Also my girlfriend is getting slightly overwhelmed by what goes on in my head, so I have to choose between shutting her out for failing to serve her purpose or find an outlet that’ll lessen the load for her, while not negatively affecting our relationship, which I value quite highly.

So here I shall share the rants and thought processes, which elsewhere would lead to my isolation, and that are caused by my attempt to understand, you incredibly confusing “Empaths”, for lack of a better term (I use the term Empath to refer to non-psychopathic individuals).

Jesse

Male, late twenties. This is an attempt to alleviate the need to wear the "mask". By sharing my true thought process, unfiltered, I hope to gain the ability to live as myself while still managing to co-exist with the rest of society. Despite my psychopathy, depression, addictions, ADHD and ridiculously high testosterone, my master status is still my intelligence. My personality has been shaped by my use of the first law of logic, that of identification. I am determined to self actualize.

4 thoughts on “May 27th, Why I’m Writing.”

  1. HEY, Jesse! So, question – I don’t know if you got this from my blog or not, but I’m an author and sometime in the near future (I’m still plotting it, currently) I plan to write a book called ‘Nihilum,’ and some of the characters are psychopaths. However, I don’t /know/ any personally, and books can only give me so much information – if I have a question, can I bring it to you? If not, I TOTALLY understand and respect your privacy.

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    1. Sure I’ll answer any questions you have. My diagnosis is Aspd with tendencies falling into the psychopathic category. I would be a subclinical, secondary psychopath, which basically means I still attempt to form attachments.
      I used to think the difference between the primary and secondary was biological vs environmental, and viewed the secondary as sociopathy (not a real word but it’d make writing so much easier..). However now I think the difference is the primaries reinforced the condition (psychopathy) by committing actions which required shutting the emotions off in a way that “locked” down the switch. The torturing of animals and what not. I think if I committed certain actions I could act as primaries do. Which typically leads to either death, incarceration or financial success. Relationships are impossible at that point. I also can’t come up with even a guess as to what could possibly reverse it. As for sociopaths, I believe they are psychopaths with narcissism at a level that actually overrides the psychopathy and replaces need for control of the situation with need for admiration which is typically enabled by controlling the situation..

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      1. That’s a REALLY interesting idea; that sociopathy (good word) would be psychopathy if not for high levels of narcissism. Is that a personal belief, or is there research to support it?

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